Bitter-sweet couple of days, that's what I had this weekend! It all began with a wonderful date night with my husband and my best friend of all time! The date night started at the tattoo parlor (which I will explain in a little bit). From the tattoo parlor we proceeded to TGI Fridays, had dinner and then went home. The night was FULL a laughs, a few tears, and a whole lot of fun! A night that made me reflect on my life, so to speak, appreciate my friendships and wonderful family.
May 16, 2002 our lives were changed forever; we expected a change, just not the one we got. I was full-term in my first pregnancy, and went into labor. I had a very normal delivery and things seemed to be going great. After Kelsey Layne Wilson was born, they had to take her to drain her lungs because they thought she had swallowed some fluid on the way out. From there, the next 15 hours became a crazy whirlwind of doctors, specialist, nurses and everything you never hope to hear when you are experiencing your first pregnancy and birth. By the end of the day, she had gone from a perfectly healthy baby, born to my husband and I, to a septic, very sick little baby girl. Long story short, she passed away from Group B Strep. It was very shocking to my husband and I, and the entire family, but with the help of God, family and friends, we survived and came out with a stronger marriage and faith than ever before. This weekend would have been Kelsey's 8Th birthday, so I wanted to do something special for it. Earlier in the week, I had drawn a potential tattoo, remembering her; little did I know that I would be able to actually get it on her birthday weekend! Hence, the trip to the tattoo parlor with my best friend and husband. Now I know that to some people, tattoos are not their thing, but I tend to be a little artsy, and to us strange artsy people, they speak to us. Each tattoo tells a story and has a deep meaning; so to me, it had a very deep meaning and I wanted it, not where it would be hidden from everyone, but I wanted it out there, where I could see it all the time. After consulting with my husband (mainly to make sure he wouldn't be totally turned off by it :o) I decided to put it on my right forearm, so off we went to the tattoo parlor! It meant so much to me that my BFF could be there for it and of course, my husband, who has stood beside me through all my emotional meltdowns over my little girl, so I had the perfect company with me while getting my very special tattoo!
Friday night was spent with my two best friends, remembering/celebrating the life of my first-born little girl; then Saturday would prove to be just as emotional, just in a different way for me. Saturday night was my oldest son's first high school dance, first "real sort-of date" and all of the things that go along with that. I had the amazing privilege of escorting them to the dance and then picking them up at 11 p.m. when it was over. It was an emotional roller-coaster for me; when he came out dressed in his suit, I was so extremely proud because he looked drop-dead gorgeous! Between the pride and tears, I pulled myself together enough so that we could go get his date. We arrived at the home of his date, only to have the entire set of emotions to come overwhelming me again! When I saw the "couple" standing there, as teenage love does, gazing into each other's eyes with adoration, once again I realized that this was the first step to losing him to another woman. I was happy at the same time because, for the moment, he was in heaven standing there, holding her hand. I know his little heart was completely pumping out of his chest, and it was so neat and fun to see him in that condition!
Sunday, today, is what would have been Kelsey's actual birthday, so the morning began with a little heaviness in my heart. We got up as we usually did on Sunday mornings, when the kids woke us up and began our normal routine. I had this battle going on in my mind, "What should I do? Do I talk about her, do I cry, do I laugh, or do I just pretend it is just another normal day?" You do not want to be that mother that everyone avoids because it is all you talk about and it is uncomfortable for everyone; but you also feel the guilt when you do not address it; and honestly you want to address it, you are just not sure how! It is a very conflicting place to be. I chose to go on about the day as normal, and hold in all the tears and racing emotions that were going on inside my mind and heart today. I plastered on that smile that you would think everyone would see through, but they do not - maybe because they choose not to, or maybe because they truly do not see through my plastic smiles. Either way, I slid by without any questions. Everyone noticed my tattoo though and they knew the meaning behind it. It is one of those situations that goes without saying, they feel bad for you, but do not know what to say - and I understand that.
Through all of the emotions of this weekend, it felt a bit surreal for me. On one hand mourning the loss of my baby; and on the other hand celebrating the "growing up" of on of my kids. I guess what they say about parenthood is very true! It is a cyclone of emotions and it never ends. From the excitement of new life, to worry of loss; then excitement of growing up, to the fear of decisions that they could make that will alter their future... It never ends and I am loving every minute of excitement and laughter, and everything in between! Motherhood is fun... it is the most physically and emotionally exhausting thing you will ever do, but the moments of pure joy make it all worth it!
