A One In A Million Kind Of Man

There have been many people in and out of my life.... growing up a pastor's daughter, there have been numerous preachers and pastors come in and out of my life -  that was my entire life until I turned 18.  You name it, I've met them, spent time with many, been burned by most and struggled to understand the mentality and mind-set of a tremendous amount of them...  In 2009, my family was forced to find a new church home - this time in my life was hard for many reasons, most of which I will not blog about ;), but my father had always been my pastor, when he suddenly passed away in 2001, this brand new experience of having a pastor was scary; but I had made the decision to embrace whomever came and that is what I did...  fast forward a few years down the road, and a lot of tears... and there we were, completely at a loss of where to go and what to do.  At that time, my mother-in-law attended a church in our hometown - actually it was right behind our house, so it was very convenient.  I went to a few events with the kids and absolutely fell in love with the pastor there and his family.  Maybe I fell in love with him so quickly because he reminded me so much of my own father; maybe I fell in love with his kids because they reminded me so much of myself and my own siblings when we were their age; or maybe I fell in love with his wife because she is so much like my own mother...  either way, we decided to hang our hats there for the time being, and serve with Kent and his family. 
I came to Kent's church very jaded by "church" in general.  I had experienced things that no one should ever experience from a church or a pastor, so Kent definitely had his work cut out for him - he just didn't know it (or maybe he did..), getting me to trust him was pretty much just out of the question, so I thought.  I watched Kent, very closely, much closer than he realized I know.  I watched how he responded to people who walked in the doors of his church, how he reacted to friends that I brought, friends who were shunned by the pastor at my previous church, because of their choices in life - I brought them to Kent's church, maybe as a test, I'm not exactly sure, but I watched...  I watched him that Sunday morning that they came, as he made a bee-line over to them, greeted them just like he greeted the regulars - with a huge warm smile and a very sincere "welcome!".  I was impressed.  Time went on and I continued to watch this man who was a pastor, but unlike any pastor I had ever seen.  I'll never forget one of his first sermons he preached, he made the statement more than once, "don't make me the phantom pastor, I am not that man. I am not perfect, I fall, I sin, I fail just like you do".  That probably does not mean a lot to many people, but coming where I came from, where the pastor had to be put very high on a pedestal and referred to himself as "the man of God" constantly, this statement made by Kent, really impacted me.  I decided that day, that this was a man I could follow, this was a man I could trust, this was a man that might be the first pastor (besides my father) that might actually love me!  I was so happy to be there, I was so happy to have finally found a "home".  Slowly, over the next couple of years, without ever knowing it, Kent literally showed me what it meant to have a pastor, to have a man who did not talk about you behind your back, to have a leader who led many times without ever speaking, to have a pastor that you could bring ANY of your friends to, no matter what their circumstances were, and he would love them unconditionally and never judge them or embarrass them.  Kent changed me, for the better.  He softened my very hard heart - my heart was never hard towards God, it was hardened towards church leaders, more particularly - pastors. 
Time went on, things changed, but one thing always remained - this man was a true Christian.  This man never said an ugly word about anyone, that I heard anyway - he just loved.  His one and only goal in life was to "make Christ known", by that he did not mean to necessarily tell the world you were a Christian - his idea of making Christ known was more of a lifestyle, it was actually "being Christ" to the needy, to the unlovable, to the ones that no other pastor would want in his church for fear of reputation - or not being the "cool pastor" on the block, with the church congregation that was sleek, well-dressed and "looked the part" of a church, so that other "well-to-do people" would want to be a part of it.  Kent did not care about those things, he simply cared if everyone he ever came in contact with, knew that Christ loved them. Period.  He showed me a lot during his years as my pastor.

One month ago, on July 9th, his life was suddenly taken from us.  Tuesday he was at the church working on his dream of having a community soccer field for the underprivileged kids in our area - Jordan, my oldest son and Nelson, Kent's middle son, were there working with him - Wednesday we got the phone call that he was gone.  Doctors ruled it a heart attack - he was so young, only 47 years old - 3 kids (22, 19 & 15), and a wife.... no warning, no build-up.... nothing, just gone.  I was instantly sent into a tailspin, the flashbacks were constant - sitting in the ER that day I was in a daze.  The church family was coming and going, people were standing up and hugging, crying, mourning the loss of this amazing man - and I just sat there, paralyzed with shock and flashbacks.  I re-lived every moment that my own family experienced 14 years ago.  Everything was the same, from the age of his precious children, to the demeanor of his sweet wife, to the fact that every person who came sincerely thought that they were his best friend.... exactly the same as it was when we went through this with my dad.  I still cry, even as I write this, for his children and wife, for his parents, for his church.... the pain is so deep and hurts so bad for all of them.  There I sat, watching it all in disbelief.  I wish I could have told Kent what he did for me personally, I wish I could have expressed how deeply rooted the bitterness and pain was, until him.  I wish he would have known the depth of the impact he had made on me - not just me, my kids too.  When I told my kids about his passing, Cayden burst into tears and said, "but mom, he loved us so much" - I thought, "wow... that was Kent", even my 9 year old thought he was Kent's best friend!  I have known 2 men in my life who had the ability to make other people feel so special and so important, but they made people feel that way because they genuinely loved each person, it was not for show, they were real - Kent and my dad are the only two men I have ever known like that...  I always told his daughter Kayla, that God had sent me to his church for them, his family/kids... I had no idea when I was telling her that years ago, that it was going to end up this way..  I have grown so attached to these 3 young people over the last 5 years, and love them with every fiber in my body.  They are all so sweet, kind and considerate of others.  Nelson has been Jordan's best friend for years, and Kayla and Caden have been around, in our home, and in our family, we just considered them part us. 
God leads, and we all do our best to follow, back in 2009 I had no idea the impact this man would have on my life when I walked into his little church in Rowlett.... I also had no idea about the impact that his kids would have on my life...  I cannot think of any young person, outside of family, that I would literally drop any and everything for - any time, day or night.  Is this my subconscious way of "paying if forward" to Kent?  I don't think it is, I honestly believe that God developed this love in my heart for them years ago, for this very reason...  Kent changed my heart, he changed my perception of a "pastor" to a friend - how could I not pay it forward?  How could I not be broken by the events of the last month?  And most importantly, how could I not take his family into my heart and hold them for as long as they let me, pray for them every single day, be there for them until they want me gone?  I will.  I will always love them, I will always do anything in this world for them.  They are his legacy, they carry his genes, their children will carry his genes - everyone they touch will, in a sense, be touched by Kent - their lives are the continuation of his life on this earth.  Their dreams coming true, will be his dreams coming true..  I know this, because I have been there. 
To Kayla, Nelson & Caden, I had no words of wisdom.... when I spoke with Angie, I had no idea what to say - I knew that nothing I could ever say would make what had happened to their life ok.  I know what the next few years are going to bring them, I know there will be a lot of good times, and a lot of sad times.... there really are no words I could give...  What I do know, is that somehow, God will carry them - through the fog of all that they have been through, I know that He will carry them when they cannot carry themselves.  I know that all three of his kids will make him so proud over the next few years - I know that his legacy will live on through them.  His dreams for his family will come true - he will always be with them.... so will their church family, and so will we. 
Kent, you were a "one of a kind" pastor - and I know just how proud you are of your family, all of them.  I saw the light in your eyes every time your only daughter, Kayla would walk into a room, I saw the pride you felt when you watched your middle son, Nelson, as he would selflessly serve others, constantly.  I watched you talk about Caden, and the beast of a soccer player he is, oh how you loved watching him play.  I know that Angie was your heart and soul, and I watched you love her.  You made an impact on thousands and thousands of people in your short 47 years on this earth - I was one of them.  Thank you.  Your family will be taken care of by all of us, by every life you changed, by every heart you softened, and by every person that you so deeply touched - for now, this is goodbye - give my dad a big hug for me, tell my Kelsey that I cannot wait to hold her and kiss her....  until we meet again....

What??? Middle School.....already???!?!?!!

My last post was a little over three years ago - and my how things have changed since then! My kids are older, I am older and my life is different in so many ways, and still the same in many other ways... I have stayed busy with all of the things that moms stay busy doing, and my little family has continued to grow and truck right along in life.. there are so many things that I still question, so many answers that I still do not have, and yet, so much life has passed by. My twin boys, Cayden and Cole are about to start 4th grade in a couple of weeks, my daughter is starting her first year of middle school (Yikes!!), my oldest son is starting his second year of college, and Jamie (our oldest "bonus daughter") is finishing up the final steps to obtain her real estate license! Life is good, our home is full all the time and I love it.
I do have this deep aching in my soul, a lot of fear and worry with my beautiful, sweet, smart little girl starting this monster that we call middle school... I am scared of so many things, but I think the biggest, most emotional part is the fear that I will not be able to protect her as much, I will not be able to guide her as much - mainly because I know that sometime in the next year or so, I will be considered to be one of the dumbest humans on this earth by her, lol! She will reach that age that all kids reach, at some point in middle school. Sure she will still love me and adore me at times, but for the most part, she will become confident in her own opinions, her own thoughts on life and how she should live it, and then there is always that ugly, dirty word: "Boys" that will come into play at some point in the next couple of years. Am I ready? NO! Is she ready? Well, she believes that she is...
So I have been thinking, what are a few key points that I can give her on all of this that is about to occur? How do I make sure that she does not become the next cyber-victim? How do I make sure that she understands that boys that are her age are not going to love her, they are not going to "be there for her" when she needs a friend, that she needs to keep her girlfriends close and not allow boys in quite yet? How do I teach her about the dangers of going to friends houses to hang out, and to never leave her glass of soda sitting out in the open, because lord knows what might get dropped in it that will change her life forever; or how she can never ask for a Tylenol or Advil from anyone except us or the school nurse because it could be a drug that they give her; or how she cannot ever accept candy from friends at school, for the same reason? How do I tell her that a lot of people are evil and mean, and she needs to protect herself at all times against those types of people? Most importantly, how do I teach her about all of these dangers and evils out there without making her jaded toward the world around her? Everything I learned as a middle school and high school kid, well they just do not apply anymore. The world has changed. I went to private school and was protected from so much of this, she goes to public (she would be in private, but financially it's not possible), so here we are... and where do I go from here?
 My fears, I know, are stronger from the years of mentoring and guiding teenagers through ministry at church. I have sat endless hours with young ladies who have made that one bad judgment call, and Bam! their lives are never the same. For some, it was a split second decision, in a moment of weakness, to send that one boy that she trusted just one picture of herself, in a less than modest outfit, and then he (as they all do), shared it with all of his friends, and it eventually made it's rounds to the entire school = life altered. For others, it was that moment of weakness at a party, when she decided to "give in" and have a drink with her friends, followed by a long array of disastrous results landing her in a heap of trouble with her parents, school athletics, and all of the other consequences that come when you break the law. Then there are the ones who are just bullied by someone who is jealous, or just plain mean - but it hurts just the same... All of these fears overwhelm me and the answers that used to work, just do not work any more. I have always heard a few cliché things about guiding a young teenager in the right direction... but when it is about MY daughter, those answers seem to fall short too.. One thing I have always heard: "Keep them involved in a church youth group". Well, if she is one of the kids who does make a mistake, or falls publicly - is that really what I want for her? The deepest pain I have ever felt in my life has been from the ugly, vile judgment of my "church friends" and "church groups", whether directed at me or someone in my family; so if I could peer into her future and be certain that she will never fall or make a big mistake and be cast out, then that would be a great option - but reality is, I do not know. I can hope and pray all I want to, but it is ultimately her decisions that will determine this, and she is a child... falling is inevitable - how severe the fall will be is what I am not sure of.. She is involved in sports, so that is a plus - but the bottom line is that there can be trouble there too... It is like I am realizing that there is no "safe place" for her (besides home), and what middle schooler do you know that wants to be home all the time? In a way, that is unhealthy as well! Of course, I will cover her in prayer every day, as I have since the day she was born... yet again, reality is that her choices will alter her life and that scares me to death!
 There are so many things that I know now, that I did not know in middle school, or even high school - my parents were amazing and taught me all of the right things, tried to guide me to make all the right choices and stand for the right things, most of which I did, but not always. I was lucky enough to get through those years without many scares, and I am aware now that much of that was the guidance from not only my parents, but good Christian teachers and being in a Christian environment Monday - Friday, 8 hours a day. She does not have that, and all of this horrifies me! There are so many things that I want her to know, things about herself, about others, and just about life. I want her to know, not just be aware of, but really know... I want her to know that no matter what she does, what mistakes she makes, that home is safe. Obviously, this is something that we have strived to show her over the years, this is not something that can be taught. So I wonder, have I shown her that? Does she really know that she is loved and will always be loved forever by her dad and I, no matter what? Because you hear the stories of girls who just get mixed up with the wrong friend, or the wrong boy - their brains melt and everything that their parents worked so hard to establish just disappear. How do I prevent this? I am very involved in my children's lives, heck, my oldest son is 19 and I am still very involved in his whereabouts, who he is with and what he is doing - this is because he loves me and does not want to be the reason I die of a heart attack, so he keeps me informed. :) I can look at him and see that we did do the right things as his parents, I see that he has turned out just about perfect and I am so proud of the young man that he has become. Yes, I know that my husband and I can take credit for that, and so I should just repeat with her, the things I did with him, because he turned out great! Except for one small detail: she's a GIRL! Girls are so hard, they are so different than boys! Jordan was easy, he had hurdles to get over that she does not have, he had baggage that she does not have, and we helped him through it and he is amazing - so why do I drive myself crazy with worry?!? I guess because that is what mothers do...
Here is the letter I will give her before her first day of school - and this is just the beginning, I know... I just hope and pray that she listens, and believes me when I tell her these things...

To my dearest Kennedy,
Today you will start a brand new phase of your life - Middle School! Words cannot express to you just how proud I am of you and the talented, sweet, kind-hearted young lady that you have become. I know I tell you all the time, but when I prayed for a little girl, you are literally everything I asked God for, to the finest detail! I want you to know that the next 3 years are going to be a lot of fun, you are going to make new friends, your old friendships will grow stronger, and you will learn more each day about who you are as a person and who you want to become. Over the next 3 years you will also experience some unpleasant times. There will be times that your heart hurts so bad, you will think that you just cannot go on. There will be times that someone will make you so mad or angry that you think you just want to take them off this earth! ;) There will be times that you laugh so hard, you think you might explode; and times where you cry so hard that you run out of tears... During these next 3 years of your life, there are a few things that I want you to make sure you put in your heart, your brain, and anywhere else you can squeeze them so that you never forget!
1. Mom and dad love you no matter what. You WILL make mistakes, you WILL get in trouble sometimes - none of that changes anything! You are our God-send and we are going to love you and be here for you no matter what you do - no matter how horrible you think it is - come to us. We will help you, and you know that we will never hate you or judge you. We love you the way God loves us, and He loves and forgives and so do we. :)
2. You can trust me. Come to me with any questions, concerns or problems. I will not laugh at you, I will not tell all my friends. You can trust me, I will always be here for you.
3. You are beautiful, you are kind, you are worthy, you are incredible, you are enough! By enough, I mean that what you are is already amazing, you do not need to change who you are or what you are for anyone - ANYONE. Of course, you are beautiful on the outside, we hear it everywhere we go, there is no doubt there. Keep your inside beautiful. There will be a lot of opportunities to say or do ugly things, don't. Always love those that no one else loves. Never be too good to go sit with the outcast sometimes, it will make you even more beautiful on the inside. You have to be kind on purpose, you have to make the choice keep your heart beautiful, it does not just happen, you make it happen.
4. Study hard, play hard and keep your eyes on your goals.
5. Most importantly, you are our daughter, one of 5 people in this world that we would literally lay down our lives for - but more importantly than that, you are God's daughter, He already laid down His life for you - enough said! :)
As you embark on this new part of your life, make lots of memories, take lots of pictures and spend a lot of time with those that you love and with those who love you. You are going to do great, I cannot wait to see what God does with you and through you over these next few years. Keep your heart soft and believe in people - Papa K always told me "I'd rather believe in someone and be proven wrong, than to never believe in them and be right". Your friends will let you down, forgive them and move on. You are so talented in sports, music, theater, you name it, you can do it. Follow your dreams and go for your goals, no matter how many people tell you that they are impossible. You can become anything you want to become with hard work and perseverance. God gave you everything you need to be all that He made you to be. Pray a lot, ask Him for help making the right choices and making the right friends, let Him be your guide. That little tug you will feel in your heart to speak to that kid that you never speak to, just might be Him telling you to be that persons friend that day, never ignore those feelings. You never know when YOU will be the only reason someone feels special. Never judge or look down on anyone, if you do, it won't be long before others are looking down on you - you are not above making the same mistakes that others make, so stay humble and thankful for everything good in your life. I love you baby, I am always here for you and I always will be. You are my entire world and I am so excited to watch you grow into this beautiful, amazing young lady that you are already becoming!!! Good luck today and HAVE FUN!!!!
Love you always and forever, no matter what,
Mom

So there it is.... it seems like it is lacking so much, but we will begin here and build on it throughout the year...  (deep breath) So there it is, and here we go... I am betting it is going to be a wild ride and there will be a lot of dips and corners that we are not expecting - but in the end, I know that she will be ok.  I know that God has his hand on her and I pray that he will keep his hand on me as I go through this with her, lol, I may need it more than her! haha!   So here's to our first year of middle school with a daughter!  Good luck to all my friends who are about to go through it with girls as well! ;) Much love to you all! 
Until next time, xoxo