Eleven Years Later...

As I sit here tonight, or I guess this morning since it is 1:31 a.m. on the morning of Father's day 2011, my mind cannot help but wander back eleven years ago to this very weekend.... I thought at 19 years old that it was going to be just another Father's Day, just like all the others... I was so wrong.. My sister and I drove up to Wichita Falls together, shared some laughs because we had no clothes "suitable" and stopped at Ross to get something - I'll never forget that day and the days to follow. It was a shocking, sad time for my family; and all of us wondered if we would ever get past the events that followed. Not to mention the tasks that followed the death of not only our father, but of our Pastor. We felt like we had to not only hold ourselves together, but a church together also - it was a very hard time for us all. Fast forward eleven years...and here we are! Since then we have added 6 children to the family, continued educations, built careers, built families of our own; we have lived, we have loved, we have lost some and gained much. Most of all, we have stayed together as a family and grown closer each year. We have learned more about grace, acceptance, forgiveness, kindness and endurance - all of the things that dad desired for us to learn and live.
As I gaze at the sky tonight (or this morning), it's mostly clear with a little clouds scattered here and there... I cannot help but wonder (and hope) if he can see us and all that we have become. I do believe that he would beam bright enough for us all to see him if he could get a glimpse of his grandkids, his only son, and my sister and I now. I looked at the picture you see here of us and our mother and I see so much that he would be proud of! He would absolutely adore Ryan's fiance - she's a lady he would have hand-picked for Ryan - maybe he did ;) who knows what you can do up there... He already knew Brook and how amazing he was, but I believe he would love him more now, watching the kind of dedicated father he is to his grandkids... He briefly met Jimi, but he did not get the chance to see just how wonderful he was, what a perfect gentleman he is to me and his grand-daughter... He would be so proud that Ryan has carried on the musician gene, and how Jordan is following Ryans lead... His legacy is seen in all of us, literally on a daily basis. When I watch Ryan mingle and talk with the people around him, it's like watching dad. When I hear stories and read emails about how in just one year of teaching, Carmen has changed lives with her kindness, compassion and passion for youth who need an extra push or challenge; I see dad in everything we do. I see him in myself when I cannot walk away from a parent-less child, or a needy child; when their eyes haunt me and will not let me lose my dream and vision for mine and Jimi's orphanage - someday.
Eleven years later, his love is still beaming through us, his passion is still pressing us forward and his legacy will live on through us and our children. He taught us to "live, laugh & love" with all our hearts. "I hope you dance" would most likely be his theme song to us all. This Father's Day, I am so thankful for the family ties that I have with my brother and sister and our beautiful mother. Nothing can change it, nothing can shake it, and no one can lessen it - everything has been tried, it is just not going to happen. He left us with the most vital thing in life: LOVE, COMPASSION and PASSION. Thanks dad! ;)

Seriously!!! BOYS!!

As I watched one of my Kindergarteners on Friday play with his friends at Western day at school, I was amused to see him paying special attention to one sweet little girl in particular. Now Cole has mentioned her (whose name I will not say) to me before and told me that he thought she was pretty, but I realized on Friday, that she seems to feel drawn towards Cole also. It was so cute watching them run and play together, the innocence of their crush was so sweet and fun to watch. No worries, no cares, no pressures from society.. just running and playing together as friends do. The thoughts of that day had stayed with me and I was still caught up in the bliss of my children's innocence, when Cayden (Cole's twin brother) decided to completely shatter any and all happy thoughts that I was having. Yes, as the visions of Cole and his new-found friend floated through my head, with angelic choirs singing in the background.... I made the horrific mistake of asking my other 6 year old son about his interests at school! :) I turned to Cayden and said, "Cayden, are there any pretty girls in your class?" Now knowing Cayden's personality, I did not expect for him to divulge any earth shattering information to me, I thought I knew exactly what he would do, which was to let his ego swell and look at me with that annoyed, defiant look and simply gross out! I could not have been more wrong! His answer was in fact, earth shattering for me! As this sweet little 6 year old boy slowly, while rolling his big, beautiful blue eyes, turned to look at me, he said, "Mom," (with that "oh my gosh, I can't believe you would think I had a crush on a girl in my class!" tone in his voice), "I like big girls, with makeup and boobies."
.......and there you have it, the nine words that came out of my 6 year old son's mouth that brought all of my glorious thoughts of the "innocence of youth" to a screaming, screeching halt!
When I finally was able to pick my jaw up off the floor, my breath had eluded me, I could not focus, or breathe - I'm pretty sure I had to talk myself back into consciousness! I had no words.... I searched and searched for a way to ward off the laughter that was welling up inside of me, but I could no longer fight it. As much as I wanted to despise the sexist comment that came right out of my 6 year old's mouth, I could not do it!

Right then and there it was confirmed for me: they are all literally born this way! There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change that about him, (and in all actuality, I guess I do not want to change that about him). At that moment, it just erupted; the laughter was unstoppable, I could not stop. I laughed until I cried, literally, and of course he began to laugh hysterically too, knowing that he had been funny - which is all he really cares about anyway. :)
Yes folks, there you have it! I have now contributed to the one thing that, as women, we sometimes loath, and that is the nature of men...boys even! I sincerely offer my apologies to the Future Mrs Cayden Wilson, because as his mother, I failed to control myself at that moment. Now, and forever he will believe that it is ok (even funny!) to look at pretty girls with make-up on and boobies!!!
As for my short-lived moments of bliss, where for just a few hours I basked in the joys of the "innocence of youth".... it is gone now... can we all have a moment of silence for this "idea" that once lived in my heart....
Thank you, and to all the girls out there that are about the age of 6, remember - God loves you, stay true to who you are, and PLEASE COVER UP THOSE BOOBIES when you get them!!! :D
I'm out! :D

The Wind Beneath My Wings...

I'm guessing that the "pondering" that I have been doing this morning is a residual effect of the last few weeks, where I have been having a real "heart transplant", so to speak... So as I'm re-evaluating my life as a follower of Christ, a mother, a wife, a friend...well, you get the idea; it would be impossible not to look at the influence of my parents in my life. I was very blessed to have the mom and dad that I had, and like most people, you never truely appreciate them until you become a parent yourself, right? :) But yesterday Kennedy had a very special date with her daddy, so we went shopping for the perfect dress with her great-grandma and she bought her the outfit, then I fixed her hair "wavy like Taylor Swift's" just as the princess requested, painted her finger-nails and toe-nails, and made sure that everything was perfect for this special night with her amazing dad. She is a major "daddy's girl" and I love that, I want to help nurture that relationship more than anything. Maybe it's because I had such a great father and I want my daughter to experience the same things - because I know how that relationship impacts one's entire life. Either way, there I was scurrying about, getting all the details together and making sure that HE was truely her "Knight in shinning armor" last night, and it got me thinking.... I learned this from somewhere....
I grew up part of my life in Louisiana, then we moved to Texas when I was 9. My dad was a pastor of three different churches over the course of my life, and it was truely his calling, he loved to love people and he loved for people to love him! I've never met a man like him. Then there was my mom.... wow, where to start about her... There's never a time in my memory that she was not there, every memory I have, every detail of my life - even to this very day - she has been there. No, she was not usually the center of attention (that literally makes her ill :), she was never in the spotlight like my dad, so to speak. She was not full of demands, requests, or any form or egocentric behavior at all. And though she was not in the spotlight, she always shone. She was always right there, in the background of my dad's ministry, making sure all the "little things" were taken care of, because everyone knows that a few little things go un-noticed until someone does not do them, then they become very big things! :) But there she was - everywhere my dad was and it was not until recently that I realized something: she was the reason that the rest of us succeeded at the little things, but she was also the reason that we were successful at the big things in our lives. All of us, from my dad on down to myself and my sister and brother. Yet, she never sought out the glory or the credit, she just quietly orchestrated our symphony, and most of the time, without any recognition for the beautiful work and scenarios that she had created for us and with us.
She made sure we sat down at our dinner table every night as a family and had a homecooked meal. She made sure we lived in a well-kept home, it was never extravagant or expensive, but it was always beautifully decorated and tidy, I was never embarrased to bring anyone to my home. And as I experienced last night, even the things in my life that I always thought were someone else's wonderful doings, now I can look back and see that she was in the background there also! What an amazing woman - I always joke that I must think I'm Superwoman because I always have about ten irons in the fire, but in my case, about eight out of ten usually get dropped into the fire and burn to a crisp! Lol! :D
But not her. No, she did it all and I never remember her failing at anything - nothing in my childhood was ever chaotic or unorganized. Everything was neat and taken care of... it was always her.
I would love to say that I inherited all of these talents from her.... but if you know me or have ever been to my house you know that it is not usually tidy, it is very often chaotic and Lord knows I do not always get everything taken care of in time or how it is supposed to be done. But last night, I saw my mom's reflection when I looked at myself in my minds eye.... as I stood there in the doorway and watched my precious little girl walk to the car with her daddy's arm tightly around her waist, I knew that this would be a night that she would never forget, it will impact every relationship she has with boys, then someday a man - what a high bar he has set for any guy who tries to grab her attention. As I stood there and watching them get into the truck and drive off I sighed, "aahh, success", then I saw it: I had orchestrated the whole thing. I saw the flyer about the dance and bought the tickets and then told Jimi about it (which he was very excited about and really wanted to make it special for her, so not to take anything away from him), but I realized that I had made that happen for them, and it brought me so much joy! That's when I saw my mother's reflection when looking at myself. Yes, that is the woman I want to be. Kennedy will always remember last night and sing her dad's praises, probably even to her own children someday, as I do with mine, and I am SO thrilled about that! That is my mom, and to this day, she will probably read this and want to crawl under a rock, because she does not seek praise or recognition - BUT, she also did not raise me to be unthankful and not share how wonderful people are, so... sorry mom! :)
Was she perfect? Absolutely not. Has she made mistakes? Well, of course. Shockingly enough, people love to put all your mistakes on display, while hiding the amazing, beautiful things about you. You know what she taught me about that? Keep serving others, keep loving others, let God handle the sticky stuff and you just move on and keep on living, because in the end, it is always better to be a servant, humble and kind to everyone. In her, I see the eyes of Jesus. In her, I see so much of the woman, mother, friend, wife.... that I desire to be. Thanks mom, I have a lot to learn and a long way to go to get there, but if I follow in your footsteps I know I will get there. Here's to you! The most unselfish, kind, loving, beautiful, Christ-centered woman I know! ...may I someday be the "wind beneath my children's and husband's wings" as you have been for all of us, all of our lives....

Wow.....So THAT'S love....

I've had the opportunity over tbe past couple of months to see life, love and most of all God from a different perspective. I grew up with a pretty good understanding of who and what God is and what it means to love Him.
What took me 30 years to understand is who I am and what it means to be loved by Him. Now, I'm no preacher, and if you read my blogs you know that I'm actually quite a spaz most of the time :) But something happened this past week that has me in a different place lately. 1 John 4:16 & 17 say "we know it so well, we've embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God. To love, to be loved, God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. 17. This way, love has run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day - our standing in the world is identical with Christ's." Wow!
I have come to understand that my one and only purpose in life is to love, to be a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and a heart full of compassion for the hurting. I have some very dear friends who are facing a very hard time, a time where, chances are, one of them will not survive thru the next month. These are people who have been shunned from a church because of their imperfections. Some would like to call them choices, but let's be honest, we all make choices and some are the right choices and some are the wrong choices - we all make mistakes, so let's call it what it actually is - imperfection.
Here are the things I do not know: 1) the state of their souls, I do not know if they have ever accepted Christ. 2) I do not know how long they have left on this earth 3) I do not know how to minister to the hurt that they have faced in their lives - since childhood. 4) I do not know how to deal with the death that might come, and if it does, how will I help the one that is left thru that time. So many questions and such a complicated situation - in so many ways. So when I think about them and how I can help, what I can do for them - I feel lost, completely helpless. During my devotions, when I read this passage in my Message Bible from 1 John, I just thought that that must be my answer! I am not expected to know anything, what to do or what to say. I think of Moses, who never had any sort of training or any kind of schooling on speaking at all - he had to solely depend on God to speak thru him.... hmmmmm... what a concept right?!
So, with my new "revelation", here's what I do know now: 1) I do not need to know the answers 2) all I need to do is let the love of God, that resides in me, radiate out of me into my friends. His love is definitely powerful enough to face anything, in life or death. All of the things that seemed so important to me most of my life are now completely irrelevent! The ONLY thing that matters is if I am letting God love thru me - if I allow that to happen, then "His grace is sufficient" to take care of the rest. :)